I am.. a different person. No, not exactly "weird" just different and complicated I guess.

Lately I've been getting into these moods where either I'm giddy-happy or miserably depressed. But not so much depressed anymore, which is a very good thing. But still, the big boulder still knocks me down sometimes. Most of the time I can get up, and dust myself off.. and be o.k. for the rest of the day. Hmm.

Two years ago, my parents divorced. Which triggerd my depression. But it really didn't hit hard till last spring. On Mother's Day.. geeze, I told my mom in the worst way.. Wrote in the card, "Sorry Mom, that I'm not the greatest daughter in the world, but I'm trying." At that time, I really didn't think I was depressed.. just sad.. all the time. But it was also that my boyfriend of about three months dumped me on Superbowl Sunday (january..) last year.. I think? Don't remember now. Hmm.

But I am pretty much no longer clinically depressed. But just saddens me that the hardships of my life.. really got me down. To a point that I thought about commiting suicide at least a dozen times. Including thinking about going to school w/a gun.. and shooting people.. who called me names, and spread rumors about me. Dumb people.. Ugh. But I didn't have acess to a gun.. But I never did.. Nearly attempted suicide right outside my pool twice. Both the same thing. There were a few concrete blocks (for stepping stones) and some rope in the garage. I was going to tie the rope around the blocks, then around my feet. But I just couldn't do it. I was talking to Chris online around that period of time.. And he said in the past, "Nicki, do you know how much pain you'd put me through if you killed yourself?" At that time, I really didn't care what anyone said. But.. except for Chris. He cared for me that much... I just couldn't do it.

I sometimes scare people telling them about my thoughts of suicide. They probably think that I'm totally nuts, and I should go get some treatment. Well wake up! I have! Blah.

And for all you depressed/maniac kids out there.. Talk to someone.. Sounds stupid, but talking to someone really does work. If no one is around or home, write your thoughts down. Get the anger-frustration-sadness out.. Just cry.. scream.. I don't care, just get it out. Helps a lot.. trust me. If people call you names.. spread rumors about you.. Who cares? You're tougher than they are. You've made it this far, why give up on some idiot who's wasting his time and energy on teasing you? And if you REALLY need help.. and if no one is home.. and if you don't want to scream because the neighbors might yell at you, just email me. I don't mind. I'd love to talk to someone.

Blah. 9:05pm here now. In boring ol' Washington state. There is NOTHING TO DO HERE!! unless I lived in Seattle.. which I don't. Way up north.. over by the stupid Olympic Mtns.

I miss Indiana a whole lot. Miss the cornfields.. cows. Sounds stupid, I know.. but I miss it. That and Steak n Shake. Ohh that reminds me, if you guys live by one.. Please send me some food!! Preferably the: Chicken Fingers & Fries with Extra Honey Mustard.. and possibly a Surge! Thank you.. thank you..

Yeah yeah, I'm a SnS freak.. Haha.

Hey hey, If you want to check out My other Cool Homepage, here it is: Click on This!

Hmm.. Now I'm tired and bored. Gonna see who's on in Yahoo Chat.

Buh-bye for now.

~Nicki~

Past Five:
12 May 2006 * Workaholic
16 April 2006 * It's Easter!
20 March 2006 * And she comes back
07 January 2006 * Starting over, elsewhere. I think.
02 January 2006 * Face your fears