I wasn't able to add this entry last night because the server was busy, so here goes:

My step-grandfather had a heart attack today, and he's currently in the hospital, Intensive Care area... I'm still in shock. I don't know him all that well, except meeting him only once about five years ago but he was, no is a sweet old guy.

I was told not to go online until Jim had a chance to talk to his sister but it's nearing my time to go to bed so I doubt I'll be able to go online at all tonight. So I'm sitting here, going through all my files on the computer, trashing stuff I no longer need, which is like nearly all of it. I guess I could work on a few designs to pass the time.

Chuck and I are taking a "break" from talking. I mean, not that we're fighting or anything - just that we have nothing to say. I tried calling him a bit ago, just to tell him I won't be online tonight (probably) because of my step-grandpa's health but there was no answer on his house line. Didn't feel like leaving a message - not because I was afraid to but that I didn't want him to distinguish what was words in my oh-my-god-why-is-this-happening-now/crying deal..

I knew all day didn't feel right. I just didn't know why. It's strange how your mind affects you like that.

I want to call someone, but for them to actually be there. I don't feel like having a conversation with a machine, or voice mail. I'd call my sister but I seriously doubt she'd be home or awake.

We already agreed last night that we wouldn't talk every day, and naturally here I am wondering when he's going to reply to my text message I sent him a bit earlier this evening.

I'm so pathetic. :/

I feel like when I talk about my day it sounds like I'm complaining about my 'meaningless' life. Sure, I don't have a super-important job that you have but I do have one. It's just frustrating.

It brings tears to my eyes re-reading these journals of his. We were brand-new in love. Every waking moment was thinking of each other. I can't help but wonder "what happend?" I understand taht the complete passion won't be there 100% of the time but it's still confusing. Why is that we have nothing to talk about? Maybe I just need these few days to be by myself and figure this out on my own. I should at least tell him this - just so that he knows I'm not avoiding him.

Update: I talked to my Mom just a minute ago, he's doing o.k. recovered nicely and able to feed himself. Still in the hospital, and in the Intensive Care Unit but returning to normal. Whew..

Past Five:
12 May 2006 * Workaholic
16 April 2006 * It's Easter!
20 March 2006 * And she comes back
07 January 2006 * Starting over, elsewhere. I think.
02 January 2006 * Face your fears