I went to see my doctor early yesterday afternoon for yet another follow up from my Laryngitis. The doc thinks that it could possibly be caused from Acid Reflux, so he gave me a 14 day free sample of Nexium, so hopefully it will clear out the pain and swelling. If that doesn't help within a few days, I have to call him back so that he can give me a more powerful antibiotic to see if that will do the trick. As of now, he's out of answers, and so am I. I gave up hiding behind my false strong will and told him that my Depression has returned. So he gave me more free samples of Paxil, to last a month. I hope to God I get better soon.

Wish me luck with my daily Drug Cocktail.

Last night while Chris drove me home on my lunch hour, I could feel the heavy tension between us, clawing to every sigh I made. Finally he asked me why I am depressed. I told him that I didn't know. Then we went home in silence, since then we have pretty much given each other the silent treatment.

According to him, a major part of Depression is thinking about suicide. No it is serious, but for me I just feel depressed and miserable most of the time.

Don't worry all, I will be seeing a psychologist pretty soon regarding the Depression, just have to set up a date and time with them and my doctor... Don't know when that will be though.

My heart is racing and I don't know why. I can't calm down, I may not get any sleep... again. I had maybe 4hrs of sleep at most yesterday. Only because I had to wake up at 7 to take Chris to work in time for DirecTV training at 8:30. Thank God today is his last day.

Emily called earlier. I had meant to only talk for 30 min at most, but naturally it went a little over an hour.

At the doctors office, dude, I was scared out of my mind. All the apprehension; scary thoughts that raced through my mind and finally studdered the words, "The Depression came back..." I thought the doc was going to ask me a ton-o-questions but amazingly he didn't, only a few. Completely the opposite of when I had D the first time, clinically diagnosed two years ago... but they said I probably have had it since '98.

So basically in normal terms, I've been a raging lunatic since 1998, they could've said that. Has the same meaning, to me anyway.

I didn't tell any of this to anyone, besides Chris. I wonder how others are going to take the news. See, this is why I was afraid of what others may think. I know last time I let others know I had D, they all judged me, and I lost all my so-called friends, and ended not graduating HS on time... I stopped my life, but without ending it. I stopped eating, drinking (water), talking, smiling, doing homework, paying attention to anyone/everyone, quit my 2nd job, and all that jazz.

Damn stigma.

I just hope this doesn't get passed around at work, then again I don't want to keep everything hidden, I tend to blow up at times, and they aren't good, trust me. I just wish I had someone else to confide in, besides Chris. Sure, I trust him, but I need a friend. Someone who has gone through this, who I can ask for advice or at least just flat out vent to, who won't judge me.

Damnit. I hate being homesick.

Everyone is talking about taking Turkey Day off, I can't. Err, HR probably wouldn't let me anyway. My sister Vee is going to visit my mom then in Washingtion. I wish I could go.

I wish Chris would just lose his weight so we could get out of this BFE state, get into the Military, move closer to Indiana, I don't care if its Ft. Knox, KY, hell its better than MT any day.

Past Five:
12 May 2006 * Workaholic
16 April 2006 * It's Easter!
20 March 2006 * And she comes back
07 January 2006 * Starting over, elsewhere. I think.
02 January 2006 * Face your fears