I'm somewhat jealous of Chris and his family. From first glance, you wouldn't notice that his family and more notably his parents are loving.

Way more than mine.

Sure, my dad cares about me, but only if he doesn't have a client on the phone blabbing to him about house plans.

My mom cares about me also, if she doesn't have something else more dramatic on her mind. Like her order of Longaberger baskets in the mail, or if she needs something cleaned up, I'll be the one who will have to clean it up. Either that or I'll be screamed at by her, like I can't telepathically "hear" her.

My sister Veronica cares about me. Just as long as the Brit isn't online, or the discussion doesn't involve Indiana, moving, or Chris. Chris is the biggie. She still can't get along with him.

My half sister Jenny cares about me. She really does, even though we don't talk much. Its like when we talk on the phone and there's a silent moment, its needed, and it doesn't bother us much.

My other half sister Christine cares about me. But I haven't really "talked" to her face to face in a long time. She's going through a rough time, and I won't intrude, nor will I blame her. She's taking it so strongly, I'm amazed.

My mom's husband, Jim cares about me. Even though I majorly messed up before I moved away from Washington, he still loves me.

My dad's wife, Linda cares about me. She's so funny and quirky in her ways. "There You Go!" haha... good times, good times.

I just wish that my family would just get that stick out of their asses and realize that I'm happy here. With Chris. Even more happy than I was living in Indiana with them. Be happy for me, Damnit!

But no, they won't.

My dad is too ignorant to acknowledge that yes, infact I did go through Depression, and yes, I had thoughts of suicide, and yes, I wanted to die. Why? Well, at that time I felt like I was not loved, at all. Not one bit.

Rob dumped me, I got played over by a few internet boyfriends, I wasn't myself. I wanted to break free, but didn't know how.

School at Mt. Vernon didn't help much. Mr. Whybrew my counselor tried to help, but it didn't do very much. After that incident of me fainting in US History class, it woke me up. I had lost over 15 lbs over that year. In like 4 months.

I didn't want to do homework.
I didn't want to go to school.
I didn't want to hang with friends.
I didn't want to go to Steak 'n Shake.
I didn't want to live.
I didn't think that there was any reason for me to live.

I wanted to die.

It has been more than a year since I moved away from Indiana. And it will be a year next January since I have moved away from Washington.

Even though I am happily engaged with Chris here in Montana, I do still get depressed every once in a while. But after having it for 1.5 yrs, I guess it isn't a shocker.

At times, I have mentioned to Veronica that I get depressed, and she says that I should move back to Indiana, without Chris so I can live with Dad and Linda and Vee again. Like that will solve anything. It'll just seem like I'll be running away, which I would be. People who don't want to learn what Depression is, will never understand it. My family is a perfect example.

Ugh.

Past Five:
12 May 2006 * Workaholic
16 April 2006 * It's Easter!
20 March 2006 * And she comes back
07 January 2006 * Starting over, elsewhere. I think.
02 January 2006 * Face your fears