"Taxi Driver"

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.

"Who�s Next?"

A man in a bar saw a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he commented, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000." "Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in July," the friend continued, "my father died, leaving me $50,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued the friend, "nothing!"

"Need a smaller card"

At the card shop: A woman was spending a long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her head, "No."
A clerk came over and asked, "May I help you?"
"I don't know," said the woman. "Do you have any 'Sorry I laughed at your dick' cards?"

"Work vs. Prison"

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
In prison you get 3 meals a day. At work you get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison a guard locks, unlocks, opens and closes all doors for you. At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all doors yourself.
In prison you get your own toilet. At work you have to share.
In prison they allow you to visit your family and friends. At work you can't even speak to family and friends.
In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required. At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.
In prison you can join many programs that you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of.
In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic and psychotic. At work we call them managers!

"Plastic Rubber"

An attorney went into a bar for a Martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. He leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, "Well, it looks plastic." Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, "But it feels like rubber."
Curious, the attorney asked, "What do you have there?"
The drunk replied, "I don't know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."
The attorney responded, "Let me take a look."
So the drunk handed it over and the lawyer rolled between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, has no significant smell or taste, I sure don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"
The drunk replied, "Out of my nose."

"Bad Day"

A guy walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch. The bartender poured him the drink and the guy drank it down in one gulp.
"Wow," said the bartender. "Something bad musta happened."
"I came home early today," answered the guy. "I went
up to the bedroom, and there was my wife having sex with my best friend." The bartender poured the dude another triple shot. "This one's on the house." The guy gulped it down once again. The bartender asked, "Did you say anything to your wife?"
The guy answered, "Yeah, I walked up to her and told her we were through. �Pack your bag's and get out!� I told her."
"What about your friend?" asked the bartender.
"I looked him straight in the eye and said, �Bad dog!�"

Past Five:
12 May 2006 * Workaholic
16 April 2006 * It's Easter!
20 March 2006 * And she comes back
07 January 2006 * Starting over, elsewhere. I think.
02 January 2006 * Face your fears