I haven't been feeling myself lately. I hope that nothing is "mentally" wrong with me. I don't want to go through that hell, again.

*bows her head, and closes her eyes*

I kept feeling 'bad' a few days ago. I mean, not quite as low as rock-bottom like I felt constantly a few years ago, but close enough.

I'm a good person. I forget things. I space out. I get numb and can't think. Or remember. Or feel anything.

Will I be a good mother, whenever we have kids? I don't want to be like my Mother. She means good, but the way she ta

ught us, by screaming, that doesn't solve anything. Neither does silence. The past few nights at work I felt like breaking down to tears. So that people would be aware of the awful things running throughout my head. Bu the last time I cried in public, was bad and now I don't want to open those wounds.

When I used to work at Walmart, back in 2000 I had a meeting with my manager, it was for a possible promotion. I broke down in tears when he asked my opinion if I deserve a promotion. I couldn't handle keeping everything inside anymore. I needed to tell someone that I wasn't alright. But instead I started to cry my eyes out. I couldn't help it. I had to release the bad thoughts. All I said was, "I think I have Depression." To my suprise, my manager hugged me and said that he was Bi-Polar. It was somewhat a relief, but I wasn't close to him at all, friends or co-worker wise. But I knew I could trust him.

Well, I ended up getting that promotion. I quit a few weeks later.

Tomorrow marks a fresh start. My heart beats fast and I breath in short breaths, anxious and nervous. Reminds me of the first day of school each August. I start full-time tomorrow. Same job, just different hours.

I'm always anxious. I never seem to be able to 'chill out'. Ever. Maybe the only way I truly relax is when I'm drugged up to beyond conciousness and I fall asleep.

Is there something wrong with me? I've always been like this.

I need to stop telling people about this site. Especially my co-workers. Damn. I trust people way too quickly and I end up getting hurt. I've actually been thinking about just creating another Diaryland journal and write private stuff there, you know? Not sure though.

I feel sick, I don't want to do anything tonight that involves more than five brain cells.

I also feel like locking myself in the bathroom and not seeing another human being for awhile. But unfortunatly there isn't a lock on the bathroom door, and I'm married. I can't just ignore my husband.

Past Five:
12 May 2006 * Workaholic
16 April 2006 * It's Easter!
20 March 2006 * And she comes back
07 January 2006 * Starting over, elsewhere. I think.
02 January 2006 * Face your fears